


shake up the happiness

by Raha



Category: iCarly
Genre: F/M, but i told myself that i would post everything from ff.net onto here, hey remember when dan hadn't ruined them?, i don't know why i'm even posting this, i'm mostly incapable of writing anything that isn't dialogue for this pairing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-13
Updated: 2012-09-13
Packaged: 2017-11-14 04:05:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raha/pseuds/Raha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I am not helping you steal a hundred pound ham.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	shake up the happiness

_shake up the happiness_

_wake up the happiness_

_shake up the happiness_

_it's christmas time_

…

'I am  _ **not**_ helping you steal a hundred pound ham.'

'Oh come on Fredweird, I can carry it myself. Just do something useful like keeping watch.'

'I told you, I'm not helping you steal shit.'

'I wouldn't swear if I were you, you don't know where your mom could be hiding. Wouldn't want her to wash your tongue with soap, would we now?'

'Wait, how do you know about that?'

' _Oh my god, crazy actually washed your tongue with soap?'_

'Don't call my mom that!'

'Dude, she washed your tongue with soap.  _Soap!'_

'EVERY MOM DOES THINGS LIKE THAT. STOP LAUGHING AT ME SAM.'

'Uh no, every mom threatens to do that, no one actually does that. Admit it, your mom is a freak.'

'…'

'Don't you dare give me that look Benson.'

'I'm just saying...'

'No my family may be insane, but none of them have ever washed my mouth with soup.'

'Whatever. Let's just leave.'

'Not before I get my ham.'

'Oh for fucks sake Puckett, we're not stealing a damn ham from the window display.'

'Fine.'

'Fine.'

'…'

'Can we leave now?'

'No.'

'SAAAAAAAAAAAM.'

'Don't Sam me, I want that ham.'

'I thought we agreed on not stealing it.'

'We did.'

'Okay. Good. Fantastic. Let's leave.'

'If you refuse to let me steal it, then you have to buy it.'

'What now?'

'I'm serious here Freddie.'

'Yes I can tell. Stop it.'

'Why the hell won't you buy it for me?'

'Why? Why?  _Why?_ It's a hundred pound ham!'

'Your point being?'

'First of all, I have no money. And –'

'You're lying. You have $350 in your wallet. Should be enough.'

'Where the hell is my wallet Sam?'§

'I don't know what you're talking about.'

'Don't give me that damn look. You look as innocent as my mom does when she's about to give me a tick bath.'

'Does she still actually do that?'

'Don't change the subject.'

'I'm not. I'm just laughing at your sucky life.'

'Well stop it. And give me my wallet back.'

'Only if you buy me the ham.'

'I can't!'

' **Why not?** Do you like being in pain Fredward? Cause I can make it happen...'

'That money is for my Christmas shopping Sam.'

'Lovely. I want that ham as my present.'

'SAAAAAAM.'

'What's your excuse now?'

'THAT HAM PROBABLY COSTS LIKE $300.'

'Oh I see. Forgot how cheap you were Freddie.'

'Oh not this again.'

'Don't sound so exasperated. It's the truth. Freddie Benson. The boy who refused to spend money on his girlfriend, and is now refusing to spend money on his ex-girlfriend. What does a girl have to do here?'

'Stop it.'

'Shut up. That was a serious question. What do I have to do? Become your mommy and give you tick baths?'

'Sam, that's disturbing. And why are you bringing this up? I thought we were going to pretend it never happened?'

'YOU brought it up.'

'When the hell did I do that?'

'When you refused to buy me the ham.'

'Okay look, I doubt you can even buy that ham! It's just for a display.'

'That's idiotic. Why would someone put a ham that big as a window display?'

'I don't know. Christmas spirit, ho ho ho.'

'Don't fucking ho at me.'

'Sorry.'

'You should be.'

'Thanks. Can we leave now?'

'Why the hell are you in such a rush to leave? Have a video game raid scheduled?'

'NO.'

'Liar.'

'Fine, I have a raid scheduled, but that's not why I want to go home.'

'Then enlighten me.'

'No I'd rather not.'

'Then I'm not moving.'

'There's a Christmas movies' marathon on tv tonight.'

'… And just when I thought you couldn't get more uncool.'

'Shut up Sam.'

'I'm hungry. I want that ham.'

'OH MY GOD. YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT HAM. IT'S FOR A WINDOW DISPLAY. HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT?

'WHO THE FUCK PUTS A HAM FOR A WINDOW DISPLAY? IT COULD BE EATEN! PEOPLE COULD ENJOY IT. INSTEAD IT'S GOING TO ROT. HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT?'

'Kill me now.'

'Don't tempt me Benson.'

'Look, how about I buy you a normal sized ham?'

'…'

'And ribs.'

'…'

'And fried chicken.'

'…'

'That's it Sam.'

'But I'm going to need something to wash it down with...'

'Fine, I'll buy you a peppy cola.'

'…'

'A whole pack of peppy cola.'

'Well I guess that will do…'

'Hallelujah. Now let's move.'

'Fine fine, I'm moving.'

'No you're not, you're still staring at that ham!'

'But it's so  _big.'_

' **SAM!'**

'Alright Benson, don't get your Nug Nug panties in a bunch.'

'How do you – Never mind.'

'…'

'Wow Sam, you've actually been quite for twelve minutes. Is this world coming to an end?'

'Shut up, I'm eating.'

'Tasty?'

'I guess…'

'Thank you Freddie…'

'You're welcome Freddie.'

'SAAAAAAAAAM.'

'Yea, that's my name. Don't wear it out.'

'It's a wonder I'm still friends with you.'

'You love me.'

'You love me back. Your point?'

'Who fed you such lies?'

'For fucks sake Sam, no one's around. You don't have to protect your 'rep'. Plus, I thought we were going to act like it never happened?'

'You brought it up.

'No I didn't! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID I LOVED YOU.'

'No I'm pretty sure it was you who said it in the elevator.'

'SAAAAAAAAAAM.'

'I see you love my name as well…'

' _ **SAMANTHA.'**_

'Oh fuck no Benson, you didn't.'

'Yes I did. Now can you walk faster? We'll miss the bus.'

'But I don't want to leave my ham…'

'Oh dear god, I'm leaving.'

'That was a  _joke.'_

'It wasn't funny.'

'No, you just don't have a sense of humor. Here's the bus. See, you were worrying about nothing.'

'Well thank the lord.'

'I think in the spirit of Christmas, you should probably thank Jesus as well.'

'…'

'Still no sense of humor I see.'

'Just sit. And stop chewing with your mouth open.'

'Then stop talking to me.'

'My pleasure.'

'…'

'…'

'Who the fuck is  _that?'_

'Lovely view of the ribs. Thanks Sam.'

'I'm serious, who is she?'

'Who?'

'You know who I'm talking about.  _Her.'_

'There are many girls on this bus and you can't assume that I know –'

'Oh shut the fuck up. I'm talking about the girl who smiled at you.'

'Maybe she was just smiling to herself…'

'You smiled back.'

'Jealous?'

'Gross.'

'Sam.'

'Can you just tell me who she is before I dump this peppy cola on your head?'

'Fine. That's Daphne.'

' _Daphne?'_

'Gross Sam, now I have half chewed ham all over me.'

'You wouldn't be complaining if this was the ham that was in the window display…'

'Of course I wouldn't be.'

'So tell me.'

'Tell you what?'

'Don't play dumb.'

'She's in my AP English class.'

'Is she a nub like you?'

'I'm not answering that.'

'Well she must be. Why else would she be in AP English class?'

'Carly's in that class as well.'

' Are you calling my best friend a nub Benson?'

'…'

'Oh look, Fredlumps. She's staring at us.'

'That's cause you're giving her a death glare. Oh and cause your hand is on my crotch, but that's just a guess.'

'Dear god, she's ginger Freddie.'

'You don't say?'

'Who the fuck likes gingers?'

'That's considered rude, not that you care.'

'Do  _you_ like gingers?'

'No, it seems I have a particular soft spot for blondes.'

'She's wearing a cardigan…'

'I noticed.'

'Why are you staring at her boobs? Do  _you_ like girls with the body of a pubescent boy?'

'No, it seems I have a particular soft spot for girls with a C cup.'

'D cup. Look at her shoes Freddie. Not one scuff on them. This girl is obviously from another planet.'

'You don't even know her Sam. Plus, my shoes are squeaky clean as well.'

'Well you  _are_ from another planet so…'

'Must you always insult me?'

'Should've bought me that ham…'

'Fuck that ham. Now please remove your hand from my crotch.'

'You remove your crotch from my hand!'

'I'm serious Sam. She's not looking anymore.'

'I don't like her.'

'Shocker. Please?'

'Oh why are you complaining Benson? I can feel just how much you  _don't_ want me to remove my hand.'

'Which is exactly why you should.'

'I don't know, it seems little Fredward has missed me.'

'What have I told you about using my penis and little in the same sentence?'

'Aww poor little Freddie. Just one touch and he's happy.'

'SAAAAAAAAAM.'

'Oh alright.'

' _THANK YOU.'_

'You should take anger management classes from little Freddie…'

'…'

'Why aren't you getting up? We've reached Bushwell.'

'Just give me a second.'

'…'

'Stop snorting, Sam. You caused this!'

'Whatever, you didn't let me stay and stare at my ham. I'm not waiting for you.'

'Fine, just… cover me or something.'

'Why don't you ask Daphne?'

'Don't cover me. I'll risk it.'

'That ham could have easily covered you…'

'You would have inhaled it in the first ten minutes.'

'You know me well Benson…'

'Unfortunately. Now try not to talk, we made it in time.'

'I'm still hungry.'

'I actually don't care.'

'I won't shut up if you don't feed me.'

'Why are you even in my apartment?'

'I'm bored. And hungry. Fix it.'

'There's a vegetable lasagna in the fridge. Go eat that.'

' _VEGETABLE?'_

'Have you forgotten whose apartment you're in?'

'Fine.'

'Fine.'

'If only you'd gotten me that ham.'

'Let it go Sam.'

'No.'

'…'

'The only good thing about this movie is Scrooge.'

'Of course you'd think that.'

'I can't believe you're making me watch this.'

'I'm not making you do anything. For fucks sake, stop blam- Sam?'

'Yes nub?'

'Why is your foot on my crotch?'

'I don't know, why is your crotch on my foot?'

'I'm not doing this again.'

'Good. Now rub my foot.'

'Yea that'll happen- OUCH FINE I'M RUBBING THEM STOP STOMPING ON ME.'

'Little Freddie getting hurt?'

'Fuck off.'

'You know, I bet you still write letters to Santa.'

'I'm watching a movie.'

'I mean really, you probably ask for all nerdy and techy crap.'

'Can't hear you.'

'If I ever wrote to Santa, I'd only ask for one thing.'

'I don't care. Watching a movie now.'

'I'd ask for that ham.'

'…'

'Freddie?'

'Yes Puckett?'

'What would you ask for?'

'Nothing.'

'Well that's stupid.'

'Thanks.'

'I'm serious.'

'Santa can't get me what I want.'

'Of course he can't idiot. He's not real.'

'Really? Thanks for ruining my childhood Sam.'

'…'

'You're weird.'

' _I'm the weird one Benson?'_

'Yes. And you're  _wrong.'_

'My foot doesn't like little Freddie anymore.'

'Shut up Sam. You asked me what I wanted for Christmas.'

'Well now I'm eating and I don't care.'

'I can tell. Your cheeks are bulging.'

'I'm sexy.'

'What I meant to say was-'

'That I'm sexy?'

'That we're weird.'

'Speak for yourself. I'm sexy.'

'Fine, you're sexy. Little Freddie loves your sexiness. But-'

'See, you call him that too!'

' _We're wrong.'_

'I can't do this again Freddie. We promised to not talk about it.'

'No you don't understand Sam. I'm finally starting to understand it.'

'Well I don't, and I want to watch this movie.'

'Sam, look at me.'

'No thanks, my eyes have done nothing wrong to deserve that.'

'Sam.'

'Stop.'

'I like being weird, and I like being wrong.'

'You're just saying that.'

'Wait you're right. Scratch that. I  _love_ being weird and wrong.'

'It was mutual.'

'No it wasn't. Don't pull that crap now.'

'Fine. It wasn't mutual.'

'Fine.'

'Fine.'

'Sam?'

'Yes?'

'Lean.'

…


End file.
